Beyond Existing - Beyond the Small Talk
Has life's struggles left you feeling like you were going through your days "just existing?" In this podcast you will hear stories/testimonies from myself and others who have dealt with the struggles life has to offer and getting to that place in which life is being lived "beyond existing." I appreciate all of those who have been willing to "put themselves out there" to open up and share personal information for the betterment of others.
Beyond Existing - Beyond the Small Talk
From a Marriage Trapped by Alcohol to Embracing Independence at 40
What if you found yourself pregnant at 17 amidst a circle where alcohol blurred the lines of support and denial? This week, our guest shares her compelling story of teenage pregnancy, navigating complex family dynamics, and the emotional journey that unfolded with her partner at her side. It’s a heartfelt narrative of resilience, as she challenges societal stereotypes, manages the demands of early parenthood, and pursues higher education, all against a backdrop of personal growth and unwavering family support.
Our conversation takes a candid look at the intricacies of marriage, from the challenges of infidelity and forgiveness to the struggle of living with a partner battling alcohol. Hear how she found escape and identity through her teaching career, even as she faced the heartbreak of miscarriage and the joy of planned pregnancies. We explore how personal choices weave through life events, forging a path lined with love, resilience, and the art of balancing personal passions with family life.
Witness the powerful transformation of our guest as she embarks on a journey of independence during the COVID-19 pandemic. Her courageous decision to leave a toxic relationship marks the beginning of an inspiring quest for self-empowerment at 40, where she learns to manage finances and finds fulfillment in her role as a teacher. With faith guiding her through, she reflects on divine messages in tragedy and the importance of empathy and understanding amidst life's toughest challenges. Join us for an episode that captures the essence of overcoming adversity and discovering joy in everyday moments.
Before the episode begins, I wanted to take the time to tell you that, out of respect and privacy, I have edited names out of this episode. Also, when you hear the barking dog in the episode, I want to apologize for that. That was my 10-year-old Great Dane, ruby. She's passed away now, but she used to insist on being wherever I was, so when you hear the tail whacking the metal trash can just know that that is who was doing it. She also shared a fondness for my guest.
Speaker 1:The last thing is, I have a request. Can you please lift those up who are having to live with parents or a spouse who can't stop drinking or doing drugs? Their life is put through absolute hell. I saw this so many times in my teaching career. Thank you for listening and God bless, hi and welcome to Beyond Existing. What do you do when the person that you love, the person that you know inside and out, that you have just, you know, struggled with and just reached out and tried to pray and just wish and just hope for better things? That just didn't come, and I don't think we hear enough of that today, and I don't think we hear enough of that today. You know, what advice do you give partners of those that the good times don't come. I want to thank you so much for coming on today and just sharing your private life and making it public for us If you will just tell us all about how you guys met.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Start at the beginning.
Speaker 3:So I was 17. It was the summer before my senior year of high school and we had a mutual friend and he was also on his parents at a lake house beside a friend of mine's lake house and so I knew of him and we just ended up hanging out. And you know, I was 17 and he was 19 and he was a student at the community college already. When we first met. It was really good, I think, for him. I was not maybe his usual type of girlfriend and maybe a little bit I don't want to say more calm but not as worried with girly type things. Maybe as he was used to. I was much more of a guy's girl and we got along really well and I got along with his friends, got along with my friends and what was it like when he and his friends would get together?
Speaker 1:there was always drinking.
Speaker 3:I at the time didn't drink very much. I never really did. I would drink, you know, if we went somewhere, I guess, but not just sitting around. But that was very much, uh, the culture of his friend group. They, there was always alcohol yeah around.
Speaker 1:So you guys, y'all started dating in august. Uh-huh, is that right, okay? And what'd you find out?
Speaker 3:in october, I was pregnant, um he was um at race weekend in Charlotte and I found out I was with my best friend, bought a test at Walmart, put it in a jack-o'-lantern bucket, checked out and took the test at her house. I mean, you know, you already know, I think even at 17, I knew and it was positive, I didn't freak out or anything. My friend sort of did and she was like really big deal and I was like you know, but I actually called him and left a voicemail that I needed to talk to him when he got home and so the whole way home he thought I was going to break up with him and um, so I told him that night, um, he lived in a duplex that was actually ended up being close to my parents house, but, um, I drove over there and talked to him and I mean absolutely supportive 100 like we just talked about.
Speaker 3:I wouldn't say we necessarily talked about what it would be like to actually have a child, just sort of a comforting. There wasn't any sort of like blame or all the things you're scared of when you tell someone that you're pregnant. He did not say anything to anyone else. He eventually talked to his parents well, his mom. Um, he eventually talked to his parents Well, his mom. She talked to his dad and they were very, I would say, supportive, but up until I gave birth under the impression that we would go the route of adoption.
Speaker 3:Oh, they thought that you would give it Okay, yeah and um my mom did not know until I was seven months pregnant, which sounds insane, but I was tiny and I was in high school I honestly hardly saw my parents. I would come in in the middle of the night and go to school in the morning. When I got sick it was in the morning. I was in the shower. I didn't go to the doctor or anything, I talked to his parents. You know that was out in the open and they knew.
Speaker 3:But they did not say anything to my parents and my mom kind of found out through rumor. Oddly, I teach in the same classroom where she confronted me.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:That's irony. Yeah it is, it's weird. You ever need to teach irony. Yeah, I'm just kidding, but uh, she, uh. She immediately took me to the doctor, did an ultrasound and I guess at that point I was having a baby. It became sort of real. Everybody were in the um, in the room with the ultrasound and my dad was thrilled. I remember telling you that he wanted a little boy. Oh, and he was much older. Yeah, he was already in his 60s.
Speaker 1:So so when you saw the ultrasound being 17, like what went through your head.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna be. I was still very much in. I don't want to say denial but nothing was real, like I just yeah I still just went to school every day. Yeah, yeah, just walked through the halls like a normal person oh my gosh, I started getting bigger, obviously in the last month and it was. I mean we had, we had a baby shower, we did you know the normal things, but it was. I mean we had a baby shower, we did you know the normal things, but it was not real. Yeah, now what?
Speaker 1:year was this 1999. 1999.
Speaker 3:Yeah, okay, so he had his own place then, which I did move into. A week before I graduated high school I was put on like a modified bed rest for swelling, and so I kind of just moved out of my house and into there and that last week of my senior year I didn't go to class, I went to graduation practice, and that was pretty much it. Only I had two classes my last semester and they were just required classes. I didn't have to go for a whole day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's spanish. Spanish now. You told me about how you felt about your teachers, what they thought about you. Can you share elaborate?
Speaker 3:a little bit on that. I, um, I I would say I was always a, not a teacher's, but I was always trying to do the most. I guess Even in high school, like I would talk to, my teachers were very, I think, just relaxed and very open with us, which I really like. Especially in high school you can have that sort of relationship with your students. But it was one of my favorite teachers. He had said something in the hall, he was just really disappointed that I had gotten pregnant.
Speaker 3:I guess, yeah, which at the time didn't really bother me too bad, but sorry. That's okay, that is okay me too bad, but, um, sorry, that's okay, that is okay. As I got older, I realized, like after I had, I was very much on the path of I have to prove myself to everybody and that's what I did. Um, yeah, I didn't want to be that.
Speaker 3:Um, you know, I had great grades, grades I kept an, a average, and I didn't want to be like the girl that had a baby after high school and did nothing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:The girl that I heard a statistic that 93% of people that get pregnant in high school. That's exactly what happened.
Speaker 3:It is, you know, we saw it, there were a lot of. I was pregnant with two other girls. Both had already given birth like through the school year, so I guess in that way I was lucky I actually had. I went into labor or I was in labor, I guess, at graduation, but I went to the hospital the day after surprisingly, didn't know I was in labor. No water break on stage.
Speaker 1:So what happened to, um, what happened to your friend group? Did it kind of force both of you to grow up fast, or I very much grew up like overnight, um, I did not go out.
Speaker 3:and like on the weekends, our son, he would stay with our parents. They were, they were, they were amazing grandparents. Yeah, very supportive of both sets of parents. Everybody fell in love with us. He was born, he was, it was perfect. But, um, he still went out a lot. I went through like phases where I would go out but I wasn't 21. Yeah, so that was an issue. He turned 20 right after I was born and you know I just turned 18. So I couldn't really go do anything. My friends all went off to school. His friends went off to school About half and about half stayed around and they were at our house a lot, which was fine, you know, they didn't cause issues or anything, just sitting around drinking.
Speaker 1:Okay, you have him in June. May, may, may, sorry, so you had him at the end of May, and then you went to college in August.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I went to my college orientation very pregnant, a lot of looks, but it's all right, yeah.
Speaker 1:So what did you do with him while you were in class?
Speaker 3:His mom kept him during the school days. Okay, she retired.
Speaker 1:I know you said the partying lifestyle didn't leave it picked up more.
Speaker 3:And part of me was very understanding of that. Um part of me, you part yeah, were y'all married? No, yeah, okay no, um, we didn't get married until december 20.
Speaker 1:Um, oh, two, three years later and I know you said that he said for you to never complain about his drinking.
Speaker 3:No, that was the one thing you know from the very beginning Don't ever say anything about your drinking and we'll be fine. And I did it For a while. But, I wanted it to work. That was 100%.
Speaker 1:So you guys get married the next year, yeah, the next year. And then is that when you had your second.
Speaker 3:We got married. Then I graduated college that May and I got a job teaching fourth grade and got pregnant pretty quick. We wanted to have another baby so we were actually trying. I had a miscarriage but got pregnant immediately right after. So that was great. It was a great pregnancy. Everything went perfect. I was very much a nervous wreck in the beginning. I didn't fully understand the miscarriage, what caused it. I mean, honestly, I had to have a DNC.
Speaker 1:How far along were you when you had the miscarriage? I didn't know.
Speaker 3:I was pregnant.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay.
Speaker 3:I really didn't feel like. I don't feel like it affected me, because I didn't know I was pregnant.
Speaker 3:I was in a lot of pain one morning before school and when I got to school my mom took me to the doctor. I was pregnant, but I don't even remember like the specifics. I had to go the next day for them to do like the pregnancy counts, uh-huh, to see if the pregnancy is moving along, because I was in a lot of pain. So we kind of knew immediately. I remember calling on the way home from the doctor, didn't know like we lost the baby yet. So you know we were excited. But then when I went back the next day, like the counts were down but I had to go every day for I had the DNC and then I had to go to the office every day for a week to make sure everything was complete, I guess, and then got pregnant.
Speaker 1:The next month and you said that pregnancy was awesome. It was. You felt great through the yeah and it was planned. It was planned.
Speaker 3:I really felt like it was my first pregnancy. Mm-hmm, you know, to get to enjoy. So I had my second year teaching, six years apart.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, you said y'all had bought your first house, you both were working. Yeah, your husband was taking care of your finances, so everything felt like it was falling into place.
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely yeah, living the dream Relationships, I guess with ex-girlfriends things became more secretive. We had had, you know, the third kid is. It's a big change, um, he was again. It was a great pregnancy. He's always supportive, he loves, loves kids, um, but it's a lot, um. I had gone back to school, um, and had just finished and that's night school, yeah, for grad school and he felt abandoned. So that was the reasoning there.
Speaker 1:You forgave him again, yep, and he bought you a dog, a dog.
Speaker 3:That was the go-to.
Speaker 1:And I do love a puppy. Yes, but you know it was very much love, love, bombing.
Speaker 3:I guess there's terms for all this stuff now oh yeah, but um, very apologetic. You know, there was always a reason and that reason was always something I did uh, blaming you yeah I guess in some ways I did blame myself too. I don't know why. I mean, I sat plenty of nights with just my kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so everybody does.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's not a reason to and I, you know, I didn't notice a change with us either there wasn't, wasn't like a lack of affection, or distance or anything.
Speaker 1:It was just the same, or at least that I didn't notice. So your third baby.
Speaker 3:He truly is, he's amazing. But I became more mom focused than focused. We'd always said, you know, the partner comes first, because that's the person you chose to be with and the kids are. You know what god gives you. We were um, we were, I mean, best friends very close. I do usually tend to give up my own identity when I'm with people. I don't know why that's a dig deeper, yeah, but uh, I made the decision to be more of a mom, I guess to destroy myself, which sounds weird, but you know, just I was the one started.
Speaker 3:You know, going to practices, to not just dad going, not missing any games, you know, not staying home with other kids there was a game. It was more just trying to do things, more all of us instead of just one taking whatever child has something. Yeah, I mean, I feel that that was a positive time. But he worked for his dad eventually did quit. It had happened a few times. He had texted me at work and said he wasn't going to work anymore and he would always go back in like a couple of days. But I don't know why this text was different, but it was and it was like you know.
Speaker 3:I quit for real this time, did not have a plan, did not necessarily look to do anything else. I guess the drinking increased and by that point he would have been unable to work and by the end it was buying two cases a day. At that time it was because I do feel like when they were sports wise, that was all with their dad. I really didn't participate in that much until I had to, and by then it was all three of them I was at. I was eating lunch at school and I got a text that he was looking at a gun on the coffee table and just talked to his dad and, you know, told him that he didn't want to be alive anymore.
Speaker 3:I literally ran to my car. His dad was already on the way to our house and had gotten him, had took the keys to the gun safe and took him to their house. He wouldn't go in there, he wouldn't get out of the car at their house. But by the time I got there they had got him out of the car. He was extremely, extremely intoxicated. He could not walk.
Speaker 1:The man you fell in love with was nothing like this. No.
Speaker 3:He was very sociable, charming with everyone To the point like it probably cut on my nerves sometimes. You know you go to a restaurant. Yeah, he hasn't talked to everybody. Okay, and I'm, you know I go to a restaurant. Yeah, he hasn't called everybody.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I'm, you know, I'm quiet.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but yeah, when I got there, he was very angry at everyone started going to eat. Um, maybe past two weeks, and we went to the tavern for new year's eve with the kids and he ordered a beer and my heart just sunk oh yeah we got home and um we got to an argument as much as we ever argued.
Speaker 1:Hardly at all yeah, yeah, because you don't like anything to do with arguing or confrontation Nope.
Speaker 3:So I took the kids. My grandmother had a house nearby, took the kids, it was empty and he called and called and I went home that night. He at first was hiding it well, I've got a question.
Speaker 1:So when he ordered that beer, yeah, was it just one? Yes, okay it was just one and he thought he could do just one. I think so, yeah, and be fine. And when y'all got home, did he continue to drink?
Speaker 3:there was beer in the house that I didn't know about. So when he went home, like I just heard the crack of the can. Mm-hmm. That was it. It was like in the dining room behind stuff he had been hiding it. When I found that out, like I threw it away. But I mean, where am I going to throw it away at the house.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm like I threw it away. But I mean, where am I going to throw it away? At the house? I put it, put that case in my trunk when I left. But he got more. He went to the store and got beer and it. Um, I'd say for a week he was still trying to hide it, Um, but obviously, uh, I see all the trash cans and dumpsters.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it wasn't even there was no point in hiding it it just it was back yeah, you had mentioned that he stopped attending any kind of school functions.
Speaker 3:Yeah, really social functions in general. Social anxiety. There was a lot of social anxiety. I felt like, and just even like going out to eat. It was kind of. He was like you know, I drink so I can be social, yeah, which I know people do. Yeah, right, but not that much.
Speaker 1:Loosen up a little, be a little more comfortable. A drink people do, yeah, right, but not that much.
Speaker 3:Loosen up a little, be a little more comfortable A drink A drink, but it was not just ever a drink, so it was more didn't go out as much. We really stopped visiting people, except our parents Holidays were at our house, or he didn't go, and the clincher for me was playing for a travel ball team. They went to Pigeon Forge for a tournament. We got in the car I don't know how long it was, it really wasn't that long he just said I can't do it. He said can you take me back home? And I was like what? Like I can't go to Tennessee by myself with all the kids. And you know I knew a few of the other parents, but you know we didn't have a hotel room or anything. But I did, and the whole time I was there I was bitter, just very bitter, because for so long he didn't want me to go out without him. When I'm with someone, I'm with that person. Yeah, very loyal, very, always been that way. Yeah, very loyal Very.
Speaker 3:Always been that way. But I kind of felt abandoned and that's I knew I didn't want to be married anymore.
Speaker 1:That'd be scary to be. Yeah, somewhere big like Pigeon, forge. Yeah, it was enormous.
Speaker 3:It was at the Cal Ripken field, which is Right, yeah. I mean, it was an amazing experience, yeah, the kids.
Speaker 1:I'm glad we went, but had you ever been off by yourself like that before? Um?
Speaker 3:no, I I went. I went to the beach with my mom and sister. Young, yeah, I was just horribly moody the whole time. Um, we were always together and so I was very attached, very codependent. No, we uh, even just going out, we would go together um with friends, his friends, even my friends. That all that all changed. But that was still five years before I actually left before you actually left. I kind of just cut myself off emotionally. Um, still loved him, still my best friend yeah, still had great friendship.
Speaker 3:He could not. He could not be the husband or dad that we needed.
Speaker 1:How did you feel like around the other parents?
Speaker 3:I would say I was bitter because, like even the divorced parents, were there together. I was the only one Like you know it was a big deal for the kids it was.
Speaker 3:You know they got to meet all these MLB players and you know that was right up their dad's alley. Yeah, I really thought. You know he loved baseball but he just couldn't be there. Um, I acted, I would say, pretty normal. Um, I ended up just um staying in a really, really shitty mot motel with two other families we're staying at. So the kids had a little pool to play in and you know they still had a good time. How did you stay five more years? I guess it just became my routine. Kids were all playing sports, was driving at that point. So you know he went to work and school and did his thing. Kind of. He sort of isolated himself too. He definitely took the most, let's say, verbal, emotional abuse out of anyone.
Speaker 1:Do you think there was resentment?
Speaker 3:there, sure, yeah, he's very emotional, like me. If you cried, you got yelled at. If I mean he, he said it himself.
Speaker 3:You know he wasn't allowed to have any emotions so he doesn't now just I worked a lot I started, um, selling teacher things on a website and when I started doing that, it took hours of, you know, creating things for my classroom and then hours more making them to where anybody any other teacher could use them.
Speaker 3:So I heavily delved into that and I and I I will fully admit I would sit on my laptop all the time when I was at home, unless the kids and I were going somewhere. I very much, um, checked out and that is what I did, and along with that you've got to market yourself and I got very into Instagram. I met a lot of friends, honestly, that I kind of talked to. I didn't know them in real life but, you know, just had similar whatever's yeah, not just necessarily my marriage, but, you know, just teaching experiences and things like that and a lot of Facebook groups with other teacher bloggers. It was really a big thing, you know, 10 years ago and it still is, but I totally left that world behind. If I worked, I would go pick up the kids from school, we would go back to my classroom, I would work until it was time for practice or until we went to eat and then practice or games were usually.
Speaker 3:You know, we wouldn't get home till 10 o'clock and, uh, we would all just go to bed yeah and that's how we lived. I read, I read so many books um anything to just escape a lot of TV.
Speaker 1:How many books would you read in a year? You'd say Over 100 novels easily.
Speaker 3:I mean, I read for and I loved it. I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can get about five to ten pages a night and it's like a sleeping pill for me and I would.
Speaker 3:I mean I would stay up. Oh my gosh, read, read, read, read, yeah, um, and it's. It is a great escape, a positive, I would say.
Speaker 1:I really tried to be positive in what I obsessed with yeah not not detrimental yeah, when anyone we get to the end of the book, it's like you lost friends, because you just get to know the character so well. Absolutely, yeah. So something that you told me that you guys always said was that you felt like y'all chose each other, yeah, and that your marriage was more important because you know, like with empty nesters- yeah, like they have a problem with their lives revolved around their kids and they forgot.
Speaker 3:That's what happened to my parents.
Speaker 1:Yep, yeah, and they forgot who they were. Yeah, as a couple, and you said that you and your husband, y'all weren't like that. No, that you had always said before that you had chosen each other. You know.
Speaker 3:I truly that was my soulmate, yeah, and I know. I know he felt the same way. Um, he was. The good times were great um, and he was a great bullshitter, but I do I know that he loved us um, he just couldn't and couldn't take care of us, um, and even got to the point where he was always asleep. Always asleep, I mean we definitely still spent time together. It was just being lazy, though I say we hit it very well. I always made excuses for him. You know he doesn't feel good, but people knew um, really, the baseball field is really where it was noticed because he had been with the same people um, the same families, you know, with each kid and you really do go close, grow close right, especially in this small community.
Speaker 3:You know it's the same people every season baseball right, yeah, and um, I, you know, I made a lot of friends and we made a lot of friends, not that, not friends that we would go out with, but, um, friends that were always at the games we sat with. You know, we talked to and he stopped going and people started kind of bringing it up and then people just kind of like I knew they were talking about it, but he didn't care, I was, you know, like it's not their business. You know, it was always he still. I still had it in my mind that he still took care of us. Um, he did still pay all the bills and um, I guess in my mind that was taking care of us, but I really had no idea about our finances at all. I knew what I made, I knew what the house payment was.
Speaker 1:We both spent a lot of money Now did you have pretty good income coming in from the that teacher website?
Speaker 3:yeah, and with some plans and I have, you know, I've got two degrees and national boards. I did anything I could, um, when we, when teachers, still had the opportunity to get stipends for things like that, yeah, that last kind of era where you still got paid for national boards and they paid for you to go back to school. So I definitely took advantage of those things in my very early career. I had done all that by my third year, yeah, so I just and again, that was still just proving myself constantly, in every way. I did not want to be a teenage mom, I didn't want to ever be associated with that. Just, you know, I know things that people said because they would say them in front of me, not even realizing, hey, you know that might offend her. But, um, that's probably one of the only things I will voice my opinion about, because, it's not a death sentence and you can still have a great life.
Speaker 3:And uh, just very. I mean, always gave me attention, always complimenting, always. You know you're beautiful and I guess as long as I felt like I was still loved, that it would be okay.
Speaker 1:So you became the best teacher in your school. Right I did.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I put everything into children, yeah, my own and others. Yeah, I, um, I've always. I just love being around kids yeah, they're just fun and yeah they're honest and don't take everything so seriously, and I love that you needed that escapism absolutely and put my heart and soul in it. He was always very proud of me, uh-huh. He loved. He loved hearing about the kids and I always felt like he knew them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, um, because he did, heard stories about him all the time. He knew everybody's name, um, or their code names. That was what I poured myself into because it wasn't at home, yeah.
Speaker 1:And depressing your life. I'm sure it felt like it was just on repeat. Yeah, what happened in April of 2020 that made you say this is it?
Speaker 3:I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1:COVID.
Speaker 3:We were home and really was spending 24 hours a day in the house with him. I was very I wouldn't say naive about it, because I didn't have to drive him to buy the alcohol.
Speaker 3:But I guess just seeing it in person was very different. I don't think he in person was very different. Um, I don't think he ever felt I was unhappy. I am very good at hiding feelings somehow, but, um, I was very tired of everything by that point. So I kind of got you know. Teaching from home became my new passion. I bought a big actually he bought me a big Mac. That was another big purchase. To keep me happy, I guess, I set up like a little office. I taught from home. I didn't hate it, like most people, but I spent the entire day in front of a computer screen, whether it was doing his massive amounts of homework or myself, with making awards for the online awards day.
Speaker 3:Doing everything online, I put I put like so much into it, but just because that's what I wanted to be doing, I can't say I hated it, I hated being at home all day and not not feeling like I could I mean honestly couldn't just go out and walk around Target, or you know, I realized how much money was actually spent with the hobbies. I guess because I was there when the packages came, instead of not seeing things I even. I really tried to like. I was just trying to be supportive and be interested in what he was. Yeah. To spend some time together.
Speaker 1:You told me that he he was rushed to the hospital.
Speaker 3:Yeah, In April 2020. He had a head and a nosebleed for a few days. I wouldn't say it was totally not normal when the seasons change he would get nosebleeds and the high blood pressure. I do not know if he was taking his medicine or not. I don't think so because he hadn't been to the doctor and so on but he it just would not stop bleeding and I couldn't get him to wake up from the couch one day. I mean, it was just blood everywhere. Um, I called 911 and the ambulance came. Um, he did not have a pulse and um, they loaded him up real quick. They thought, um, they, they asked me uh, what kind of drugs he was on, you know, because of the nose bleeding, and I'm like it's just alcohol and they're like no way, and I'm like I promise he's very anti-drugs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, very, very very much and cigarettes and cigarettes and marijuana Like anything but alcohol, anything but alcohol. It's terrible, but alcohol.
Speaker 3:Um so, uh, this was the height, I would say, of the pandemic around here. I was not allowed to go into the hospital, but I literally sat in my car in the parking lot. Um, I could not be away.
Speaker 3:I was very, very scared and he would die yeah um, not even if it was just the nosebleed he was going to get covid and he wouldn't be able to fight it, or um, you know, the nurses would call me um, they were having to give him alcohol because he was going through withdrawals to being in the hospital and um, so he was combative and, um, yeah, I've been through dementia with my dad and being in the hospital and you know, once they put you in restraints, it's kind of over yeah, yes, yes, because you have to be able to be without them for 24 hours.
Speaker 3:So that time at the hospital he checked himself out against medical advice. When I picked him up from the hospital, he was literally wearing the robe, the hospital gown. I don't know if it was the next day or two whole days. The same thing happened again on the couch. I called the ambulance. They took him and this time they admitted him to the hospital. He was there for four or five days and when he came out he looked really good.
Speaker 1:So you were upset. I know he seemed unaffected, like he was just ready to die, I mean he just picked up beer yeah um.
Speaker 3:So I I felt like you know he had given up on his own life yeah so what was I gonna do? Right you can't, you cannot. I don't be in any sort of healthy relationship with someone who doesn't care if they're alive. It was just so, not that he hadn't chosen alcohol over us, but that time it was. You have almost died, yeah.
Speaker 1:How has that not affected you? Yeah, how has that not made you?
Speaker 3:change. It's opened your eyes yeah, nothing, but it affect you. Yeah, how's it not make you change? Open your eyes yeah, nothing but it didn't yeah. And I, just I could not watch it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's when you made that decision.
Speaker 3:You were done Yep the kids even said they didn't think it would be like for real. I can remember just saying, oh, this is for real. Yeah, it was really, really bad. I knew if I went back home I would stay and I wouldn't leave and it would just be repeating this pattern for the rest of my life. I could not do that, so I left. I had no plan. No plan um nothing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, would not repeat that part. I would definitely have had a plan for me and the boys yeah but that's not what happened.
Speaker 1:So yeah, but you had a good reason because you felt like if you went back to that house, I knew I would that you wouldn't leave I know myself enough to know that yeah so you, so you made sure the boys were with their grandparents, and then you found a place.
Speaker 3:Stayed with a couple different people. Then a friend from work had like an extra house.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah so.
Speaker 3:I stayed there for a little while, and then I found a place to rent after about a year. Yeah, but I did not have my kids with me. That was very hard, but I did not. I didn't feel like it would be fair to them to leave everything they had. I guess I just made excuses to myself, like they would be better with their grandparents because it was stable. I felt like that was the best thing.
Speaker 1:Again, I wouldn't do it that way, but we said that about everything. I mean hindsight's 20 about everything. Yeah and it's easy to say that. It is easy yeah, you did what you had to do. Yeah, and it's not like they were staying with people.
Speaker 3:They didn't right and and I made sure if they saw him they were not alone. They continue to do so. They're comfortable and happy, and so that is fine with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Of course I would like it different, but they're taken care of and they know they're loved and if they choose to see their dad, they do they are. By the time I left, a lot of things came out from the two older boys. I guess they had realized more than I thought. We're catching on to things the way they were treated. We're very vocal with him. If he said anything to me, that was rude. They would always say something back. They were very supportive, but they were 15 and 22. By that point, maybe 14. I mean my hope, not that they need to never drink or anything, but that they see what can happen when it's out of control, when anything's out of control. Any addiction, right, not just alcohol. So they all have anxiety in their own ways, but luckily not using alcohol to deal with it. So how are you today? Even though I am crying right now, I, um, I'm gonna. I feel like I am a much stronger individual. I don't feel like I am.
Speaker 2:I'm not I don't live in like a dreamy world anymore.
Speaker 3:I'm very much more reality. Things are what they are to me. I don't make big deals about things because I know that's way worse. There's something way worse or somebody's dealing with something way worse. Yeah.
Speaker 3:It definitely puts things into perspective. I do feel it could have been way worse. It could have been physically abusive. So I do try to not make myself feel better, but but know that like I will not be in that situation again yeah if I drink at all, maybe a couple times a year. I have no, no desire for drinking, um, don't really like to be around it yeah remember you told me people yeah like bother me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can't even stand to hear. Just even the crack of even a soda can just takes you right back so I really like living in a house where there's not beer and or soda can lots of soda cans like it was.
Speaker 3:I remember trash days, hearing the recycling bin being picked up and just the hundreds of cans. Um, it was wild. I mean, I could still hear that and in many ways I am better because of it, but I still have not worked through a lot yeah, well, it's gonna take a long time.
Speaker 2:I mean, it took a long time to get here, yeah, and so it's gonna take a long time to get over.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you feel like you're a much better balanced person? I feel like, I like.
Speaker 3:I am. I don't I think I did such a good job of faking it for so long. I don't. At least I don't act like everything's fine all the time. You know I don't have to make excuses. For anybody which is nice is for anybody which is nice. I feel like I'm almost very aware of manipulation and like even with children, just looking at things differently, I'm very open. If somebody brings it up, I don't get embarrassed about it. I mean, it was what it was. I do not regret was what it was.
Speaker 1:I do not regret um. That was 22 years of my 42 years, have you?
Speaker 3:ever felt angry. Oh yeah, god um. No, I um, I can't even say I really felt all that angry at all. Um, I never blamed god um drink because they want to, but the the drive has to be there, so that's why I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by any of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's just how my life went for 20 years. Yeah. I don't feel I really blamed anybody, but the psychology of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're now in a much better place. You're much more independent because you went straight from living in your parents' house high school, you know to living in the lake house, right, yeah, okay, no, in between, never on my own. No in between. Yeah, and then y'all lived together for 20 years, yeah, 22, yeah, and then you move out and you're finally yeah, on your own and so at 40 yeah, you had to learn a lot of independence, yeah I um, as ridiculous as it sounds, I never paid bills.
Speaker 3:I never really paid attention to finances. All that was very new to me. My name was never on a car. Many of those things are. I looked at them as being taken care of, so I know better now and that the February of 2020, I insisted that the car that I got be in my name, and thank God.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Because I wouldn't have even had that. Yeah, you know, I didn't have my own bank account, nothing ever, so it's been eye opening. I feel like I do okay. Yeah, still learning how to manage things, especially finances.
Speaker 1:You know like everybody goes down that dark path with all that you've been through. When you start going down that dark path, how do you get yourself out?
Speaker 3:I finally feel like it's the first year I am happy at work and really truly enjoy and love the kids that I'm teaching and they are as exhausting as they can be A great way to kind of level myself out. You have to be there for them and they have so much going on too.
Speaker 1:Some of them have atrocious things that have already happened to them in seven years. I feel like I have a lot of empathy. Yeah, I was going to say don't you feel like you can totally relate? I do.
Speaker 3:I'm extremely empathetic, anyway Not necessarily in all the positive ways, but I kind of feel like that's my role right now Our kids, kind of helping them when they need me. Yeah, they're all older getting older, just kind of doing things that I enjoy for the first time in a long time.
Speaker 1:You are doing a lot of stuff Concerts- and that's how I was before yeah.
Speaker 3:As a teenager, just constantly. I was always out around lots of people, concerts, anywhere, somebody's house. I was never a homebody.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And then you time went on. You became a hermit, yeah. And now you're learning how to live again.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's been a hard transition because it can definitely come off as being lazy, but it was really how our life was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you mind sharing with the audience something that really bothered you, that one of your bosses said to you or said about you?
Speaker 3:So there's actually been a few, but last year at work it was a very difficult year for our school. We were under a lot of pressure or not been performing well as a school. But if you come to our school you know immediately. It is not the teachers Right. It is an amazing place to work Like. The people I work with are so amazing and love like genuinely love children and we love each other.
Speaker 3:I had a principal once and he said you know, principals come and go, but your coworkers are your family here, and so true. We've been through a lot of principals and we were having a big meeting. It was very uncomfortable. We were in the cafeteria and they had just shown us a video of a pretty well-known principal. That sounds weird to say, but social media wise, he basically runs a company and calls it a school.
Speaker 3:It's a very intense place to work. It is not somewhere a typical person would be happy working. The environment is very high pressure and none of that was taken into consideration, probably because she didn't know any of that. But through my years on social media I had friends that had worked there. I saw teachers commit suicide that worked there. Oh gosh, it's very intense. Do they do amazing things, absolutely, but at what cost? And she showed us a video basically how teachers are to blame for making children wusses Like we wusses Like we wussified America. That's not teachers. We don't raise the children. First of all, that offended me, and it offended me in general, because she knew nothing about the work environment that this man created and the extreme pressure that the teachers are under for, basically, celebrity, just everything is over the top. And that's not reality.
Speaker 3:And she literally said this is what we've done to our kids. This is why they are not successful. We baby them and make excuses for them, and we have just made them wusses. And I raised my little hand I said do you know the kind of environment that his teachers work under? And she's like I mean, yeah, I said so. You know that they have at least one, if not two, teachers that committed suicide, um, and that they're not allowed to take a day off and if someone is out for some major reason, anyone could be asked to teach the class. Like it's not. This is not our reality here. It is not a private school with billions of dollars of income. We work with what we get from parents.
Speaker 3:And she just made a comment about. I don't even remember what she said to me, but it had something to do with the old and she would use that a lot. We had a new assistant principal last year and he even said I'm like how can you say that you don't know? You've never met the old. This is the only one you know at it. I'm like how can you say that?
Speaker 3:you don't know, you've never met the old.
Speaker 1:This is the only one you know, and she is a wreck, right, okay, and she knows it. But um, the old stay at school till six anything.
Speaker 3:The boss asked um make anything. The paintings hang in that school. I did them. Uh, the paintings on the wall my friends did for free. We did everything for free, out of obligation and you know we wanted to to a certain extent. Um, and I just said I told her to. I didn't want to ever hear those words from her mouth again yeah, um the old's not around the old was not around.
Speaker 3:The old was sad. The old was at work all the time because she didn't want to be at home and I was never going to be her again. There are definitely times that I was not doing my job like I should have been. I was very checked out the very next year, but I was really happy personally but not professionally, and so it kind of absolutely just changed gears for me, where I'd always been happy with myself professionally but not personally, yeah. So it took me until this year, I think, to find a good work-home life balance when you're happy.
Speaker 1:personally, those are important things get taken care of yeah, yeah, you're talking about the old versus the new. You've made the statement that some people aren't around anymore. Yeah, they don't really like the new as much.
Speaker 3:I would say I quit caring about kind of the same things that I had in the past. I feel like my priorities have changed. I think some of that is maybe the way I did it. I know some people think I abandoned my family, my husband.
Speaker 3:I wasn't someone who was going to look for a relationship outside of marriage. If I ever wanted to move on, that was the only way To have any sort of life outside of that marriage and in my opinion, if I don't want to be married, I shouldn't be Because that's not going to be a good marriage. We many times had already worked through things, I had already stayed so many times and I don't really think people realize that because I didn't talk about it.
Speaker 3:It was 2020 when I left and I kind of felt like I should probably talk to someone. But it was virtual, yeah, and I, if I am in front of you, I can't hide anything, but if I'm on a computer screen I can fidget and do whatever. And you're not going to know it.
Speaker 3:So I only did the initial therapy. I told her I was just really concerned because I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry, I just kind of left and that was it. I didn't Were you feeling kind of dead inside? Yeah, I was. I didn't talk to be called, I ignored it. I didn't block text, but I would. I never responded. I never responded to a text or an email. If I answered the phone, I had no problem, like hanging up if it got ugly. And I told her, you know I felt almost guilty for not feeling bad. And she, she made a very good point. She said you know, you've mourned the loss of your marriage for five years.
Speaker 3:Yeah, They've kind of been through the grieving process. If they mention him, I just ask how he's doing. I usually get a smart-ass answer, so that makes me laugh. They are, they're, very, they're way more understanding than I probably would have been at their age.
Speaker 1:If there's, you know. You know there's women out there that are feeling the exact same way. Yeah, what would you say to the women who feel like if I leave, he's going to die?
Speaker 3:Yeah, he's not. I heard a quote about guilt that really resonated with me. It said guilt is very selfish. If you think you have that much influence over another person that you think you caused a suicide or a relapse or you know why, would you think that has nothing to do with you. Like, guilt is selfish and I've really embraced that because it's not my fault. Yeah, If you're living with it. It's not your fault that they're drinking, no matter what they tell you.
Speaker 3:You're not making their life so difficult, that they need to drink because you know that's something I think a lot of say um, just to kind of put the blame somewhere else. You know, whatever happens once you leave is not not on you. That person isn't their own individual and, um, they need to take some responsibility themselves. Yeah, I would say I did not support it, but I did not.
Speaker 1:That's another thing like a lot of you know, a lot of spouses feel like I guess that they need to join in the drinking this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah um, I think I had the opposite effect on me. I knew I needed to be sober. Um, in case something happened when you first shared your story with me.
Speaker 1:I mentioned to you before that I always try to read the Bible. Yeah, what's the date I came across? Philippians 3.13. No, dear friends, I'm still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies On this one thing, thank you. God just has a way of speaking to us in ways that we don't expect, like, uh, for example, I had a co-worker who she'd gone through cancer, breast cancer treatments, and she, she beat it, but months later it affected her digestive system and she got where she could not eat anything or digest, and, um, she was admitted into baptist hospital and went to salem and she ended up passing away. And I mean, it was just, we couldn't believe it. We thought she would. I mean, she'd already beat cancer. We thought she would, you know, beat that as well. And that night, the chapter I've been reading, the first verse for the next chapter was in my father's house. There are many rooms, and she was a devout Catholic and she always gave God credit.
Speaker 3:So yeah, it's just amazing the way he speaks. I would be easy to blame something. Yeah. But I don't think there is. I don't think God provides anyone with suffering. Maybe just a way out. Yeah, to open a new door?
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, and to be able to just help other people too, yeah. Absolutely Well hey, I appreciate. I so appreciate you coming on.
Speaker 3:I'm not very emotional, but it's not. It's not regret or sadness for what I went through, it's just facing it thank you for listening to this episode of beyond existing.
Speaker 1:many thanks to my guests and also to crystal webb and her middle school jazz band for supplying the music when the Saints come marching in. If there's something that you would like to share with me or a topic that you would like to hear discussed, there's a link in the show's description, so just send me a text. Please share the show with friends and family to help grow the podcast and be sure to follow wherever you listen to podcasts.
